Yogurt

It must of been 15 years ago.  I opened the fridge and there neatly packed as it was every night, was my father’s lunch. 

I truly must have some sort of chemical imbalance, or maybe my switch is just set to EVIL. That’s gotta be the reason why I did what I did next.

I took my father’s yogurt and instantly went into Macgyver mode.  I grabbed a pair of scissors and a roll of “invisible” scotch tape.  I sat down at the kitchen table and went to work.

With one very delicate snip, I cut the plastic off the cover and popped open the yogurt.  Then without thinking twice I reached into the fridge and grabbed one jumbo white egg.  I plopped the egg into the yogurt then got a spoon and smoothed over the surface to make it appear untouched.  I then put the cover back on the yogurt.  The hardest part was next.  I cut a razor thin piece of scotch tape and gently put the plastic cover back together.  Then I placed the mended plastic back on the yogurt cover.  It was done.  As good as new.  I placed the yogurt back into my father’s lunch bag and went to bed.

Before I drifted off to sleep I had but one wish: To see my Father’s reaction when he dug into his Stop and Shop brand Vanilla Yogurt.

The next evening when I returned home, there sitting on my kitchen table was a laminated letter addressed to STOP and SHOP.  Beneath the laminated letter were about 10 copies.  I grabbed one and casually walked to my room.  Below is a transcript of that exact letter, verbatim:

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

THIS AFTERNOON WHILE EATING MY LUNCH I WAS QUITE SHOCKED TO FIND A RAW EGG BURIED IN MY STOP AND SHOP BRAND VANILLA YOGURT.  THE COVER WAS SEALED AND THE YOGURT CUP DID NOT APPEAR TO HAVE BEEN TAMPERED WITH.

MY FELLOW CO-WORKERS , WHO HAVE SIGNED BELOW, CAN ATTEST THAT I WAS VISIBLY SHAKEN UPON MAKING THIS DISTURBING DISCOVERY.  IF SOMETHING AS BIG AS AN EGG CAN BE SLIPPED INTO YOGURT, THEN WHY NOT DRUGS OR A NEEDLE.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE YOU AWARE OF THIS STARTLING ISSUE BEFORE IT BECOMES A SERIOUS PROBLEM.

SINCERELY, J. PETER GOGOLYA

Underneath my father’s signature was the signatures of his co-workers.  My dad was on a mission. 

I did not confess to my mischief and my father didn’t bring it up.  I suppose he couldn’t comprehend the idea that his 18 year old son would do such a thing.

I told my sister what I had done then I showed her the letter.  I never in my life saw her laugh longer and harder.  When she finally calmed down she said: “Dad will never mail that letter, he doesn’t want to sound like an idiot.”  I agreed with her. 

We were both wrong…

Roughly 2 weeks later a case of Stop and Shop Yogurt was delivered to our house along with an apology letter from The Corporate Offices of Stop and Shop.  The son-of-a-bitch mailed the letter.  I couldn’t believe it. 

The reply from Stop and Shop was basically an apology.  It also stated that they take matters such as this very seriously and it was under-investigation.  I’d never seen my father so excited.  As far as he was concerned he had beaten “The Man” and had exposed some sort of corruption within the Stop and Shop Company.

To this day I’ve never told my father the corruption of Stop and Shop Yogurt took place in his very own kitchen.  Some have joked that I should save the ‘yogurt confession’ for his death bed, but I was saving the “I love You Dad” speech for that.  Hmm, I wonder what statement would shock my father more….

ah, the mysteries of life…

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2 Responses to “Yogurt”

  1. Walt, that is HORRIBLY mean of you!!! Perhaps your dad will come across this blog and find out before his death bed???

    Also… I just have to do this… “must of.” – come on! You know better by now!

  2. bigdaddygouda Says:

    Well Vik. To be fair this post was orginally written in 2005, nearly two years before I started at the paper.

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