My eyes opened today at 10 a.m. I slowly lifted my head, which felt like it weighed fifty pounds.  A small pool of drool had formed on my pillow.

Many times I have woken up this way on a Sunday morning, especially after a night out with friends.  But something about today felt different. I didn’t remember getting home last night. I didn’t remember getting into bed. Come to think of it, the last thing I remembered about the night was standing at the bar with Jay and Jamie. If memory served me correctly(and I don’t think it did), someone was trying to buy Jamie a shot. She turned to Jay and said, “If I start doing shots, we may end up taking the limo home.” Which meant, I too would be taking the limo home, because at that point, there was no way I was getting behind the wheel, and Jamie, being my “sober” ride, was about to get a lot less sober.

Apparently, the Tavern, yes the Tavern, has limo service. Apparently, for a mere $5 (a little more if you want to tip) an old beat up limousine will drive you home.

So, as I lay in bed, trying to piece together the last 10 hours, the only thing I recalled was a brief discussion about possibly taking the tavern limo home.

After I brushed my disgusting teeth, took a wiz, and smoked a cig, I called Jamie, hoping she could put the pieces together for me. No answer. Straight to voice mail.

As I attempted to nurse my hangover in the shower, I noticed my sore legs were covered with scrapes and bruises. The hot water also stung my back, which was, for some reason,  also scratched up. What the fuck did I get into last night?

The day progressed, and, when not vegging in front of the TV or trying to call Jamie, odd images flashed in my head. Images of me, inside a dark limo. Images of a creepy old man who may or may not have been our limo driver kept popping into my mind. If this creep wasn’t driving me somewhere, I could swear he was dragging me by my ankles through the woods. Was I recalling a dream I had last night, or something much much worse?

In the early hours of the afternoon my father agreed to drive me to the Tavern so I could pick up my Jeep, which I had left parked in the lot over night.

As I trudged to my Jeep I saw someone from the night before who was also picking up their vehicle.

“Looks like you had a rough night,” the person said.

“Yeah,” I agreed. “That’s why I didn’t drive home.”

“How did you get home?” the person asked.

“I’m not quite sure,” I laughed. “But I think I took the Tavern limo.”

The person laughed as if I told the funniest joke in the history of mankind.

“What’s so funny,” I wondered.

“I dunno,” the person said, “That’s just funny to me. Tavern Limo”

“Yeah, but it’s better than driving drunk,” I said.

At that point the person gave me a strange look, got into their car and told me to take care.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say, for some reason, they didn’t believe me about taking the limo home.

Before I left, I scanned the parking lot. The limo was not there. For my own piece of mind I decided to ask the bartender if she remembered how I got home.

I walked into the bar. A cute girl bartender, I think from the night before, was watching TV.

“Excuse me,” I said. “This is gonna sound odd, but I was here last night and I was just wondering…..did I take the limo home last night do you know?”

The bartender gave me the same odd look that I received in the parking lot moments earlier.

“You don’t remember me,” I said to the bartender.

“I remember you,” she said, “but I don’t know if you took a limo home.”

“I didn’t see it out there, does the guy just keep it at his house until night time,” I asked.

Once again, a strange look.

“Honestly,” the bartender said, seemingly annoyed that I was ruining her TV time. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The limo guy,” I said, a bit frustrated. “I think I took the Tavern limo home last night but I don’t remember and it’s bugging me.”

“You must have had a lot to drink,” the bartender said, “because I’ve never heard of a tavern limo.”

At that point I thought maybe I was the butt of some big joke. The ultimate prank pulled on me for my years of deviousness.  Only thing was, I didn’t feel like playing along.

“You mean to tell me there is not a limousine service provided by THIS bar,” I asked.

“Well, I’ve been here almost a year,” the girl said, “and I’ve never heard of it.”

This was useless. I walked out.

I tried again to get a hold of Jamie. Once again, right to voice mail. I then began calling every person I remember seeing at the bar last night. They all went right to voice mail.

I had enough. I decided to drive straight to Jamie’s and ask her how the fuck we all got home. Thankfully, her and Jay’s cars were parked in the driveway. I rang the bell. No answer. I knocked. No one came. Odd thing was, the dog wasn’t barking either.

My heart was beating fast. I turned around, put my hand on my hips and exhaled. What the fuck is going on……

That was 5 hours ago. As I sit here typing this, I”m no closer to piecing together last night than I was this morning. I still haven’t been able to get a hold of ANYONE who I hung out with last night. I even drove back to the tavern a few hours ago, just to see if there was a limo parked out front. There wasn’t.

And, if my day couldn’t get any more frustrating, someone just pulled into my driveway, and I don’t feel like entertaining visitors right now.

While I’m sure it’s my mind playing tricks on me, If I had to bet, I’d say the car in my driveway right now looks like a limo. Only one way to find out…..I’ll be right back


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