Archive for January, 2010

Mike Hawk is big

Posted in Stories on January 29, 2010 by bigdaddygouda

I have told you all before about Bob. Growing up we spent most of our summers together constantly trying to come up with “The Greatest Game Ever Invented by Kids”.

The friendship started for the same reason that all friendships begin when we’re younger. We were neighbors. Our divorced fathers lived across the street from each other and during the summer we both spent the majority of our time with our old men. Hence the friendship.

Now, the reason the friendship lasted was because of our love for two things; going to the movies and causing trouble. This story is about the latter.

Our friendship peaked when I was 13. Bob was about 11. After that his father moved so he stopped coming to town and as I got older we kind of went our separate ways.

Anyway, as teenagers, or in Bob’s case, on the cusp of being a teenager, we possessed dirty, curious minds.  Whenever we found something in a book or on TV that was even remotely sexually related we’d share it with the other one. ( a joke, a new word, a movie that was supposedly going to have full frontal female nudity)

In this sense, one of our favorite things to do was to sit in Bob’s kitchen and talk dirty in front of his deaf old grandma. She was also kind of clueless, which helped out immeasurably.

Our favorite little game to play was called “The Party Game” where we would talk about all the parties we were going to. Thing was, the people throwing these “parties” had names that could be classified as….saucy.

Here’s a typical conversation Bob and I would have in the presence of his deaf old grandma.

ME: So are you going to MIKE HUNT’S party next week?

BOB: Probably. HARRY BUSH said his parties are usually great.

ME: Really? Because JACK HOFF said they usually suck.

BOB: No, he only says that because he prefers parties at the beach house owned by Phil McKrakin.

ME: Well, good, it should be fun, especially if that new foreign exchange student Chu mei is there.

So yeah, that was a typical convo and only once did Bob’s grandma give any indication that she was listening when she said, “Wow, you guys sure go to a lot of parties.”

Just to be fair, we did try to the conversation once in my kitchen, in front of my Grandfather, who was always smoking a cig, drinking a beer and looking out the window.

 Big mistake.

As soon as I mentioned to Bob that we were both invited to that new Italian restaurant owned by Harry Ballsonya,  Bob was sent home and I was sent to my room.

When it came to sexual innuendo, nothing got past grampy.

 

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Sorry but it’s the truth

Posted in Stuff on January 27, 2010 by bigdaddygouda
  • I shed a tear at the end of Marley and Me. I got choked up watching the Yankees hoist their 27th World Series trophy. Yet I have not so much as frowned over the Haiti quake.
  • I hate Dane Cook
  •  I don’t watch House, CSI, Survivor or How I Met Your Mother
  • I usually change the radio station when a Led Zeppelin song comes on. Especially Stairway…yuck.
  • I get excited for wrestling Pay Per Views like The Royal Rumble and Wrestlemania.
  • You tell me the title of the Little House on the Prairie episode and I’ll tell you about the whole episode.
  • There have been 500 episodes of The Simpsons. I’ve seen every single one of them.
  • If she was hot and willing I’d do her. Wedding ring or not. Actually “hot” would simply be icing on the cake.
  • Sometimes I find myself saying things to Andy the Puggle as if I’m expecting an answer back. “So what did you do today while Uncle Walt was at work?”
  • Dramatic Facebook status updates make me cringe and definitely do not illicit any of the sympathetic feelings that the poster intended. Actually it has the complete opposite effect.
  • Actually, if you are one of those dramatic status updaters, there is a good chance we’re giggling about it behind your back.
  • I prefer amateur porn to the high-end stuff. I dunno but bleach blond woman with fake boobs and plastic faces just don’t do it for me.
  • I have a secret crush on……ehh, we’ll save that truth for another day…..or will we?

Queen of Mean!!

Posted in Stuff on January 17, 2010 by bigdaddygouda

I love stand-up comedy. I always have. As a group of friends many nights were spent sitting around watching old tapes of comedy routines. Mainly classic Eddie Murphy (raw, delirious) as well as those classic young comedian shows on HBO where performers like David Spade and Rob Schneider were actually funny.

Of all the comedians we watched growing up there was one glaring reality: Female comedians simply weren’t funny. It’s not that we didn’t give them a chance, we’d watch the beginning of the routine and after two minutes if we weren’t laughing (we never were) we’d fast forward the tape to the next male comedian.

So, as I headed to the Warner Theater Saturday night to see the Queen of Mean, Lisa Lampanelli, I did so with fingers crossed.

Sure I’ve seen her on the Comedy Central Roasts and I’ve listened to her on The Howard Stern radio show and more often that not she had me cracking up. However,  I was nervous that her hard core sense of humor would be too much for Torrington and therefore she’d hold back and in the process be unfunny.

Thankfully I was wrong.

Not only was Lampanelli’s one hour set at the Warner absolutely fucking hilarious but it was one of the greatest comedy shows I’ve ever seen. To put it into perspective I’ve seen Jerry Seinfeld and David Chappelle live as well.

She brought her full repertoire of X-rated material to Torrington and kicked it into overdrive.

She used every racial and ethnic slur in the book. There were Jews, Blacks, Puerto Ricans and Gays in the audience and boy did she let them have it.

My favorite part of the show is when she called to the stage a 16 year old dude from the audience and gave him the Lisa Lampanelli quiz.

Let’s just say one of the questions was:  “What group of people are known for being lazy and smelly?”

Truth be told a few people in the audience walked out. One guy was actually kicked out, but I’d say 90 % of the near sell-out crowd ate it up. I mean, come on, If you’re at a Lisa Lampanelli show you know what you’re in for.

While the majority of her jokes are racist, Lampanelli doesn’t come off as a bigot, if that makes sense. I would classify her as an equal opportunity offender. She even made fun of her fat Italian husband with big balls.  And, to be fair, throughout the show Lampanelli would constantly cut on herself, referring to herself as “fat”, “slut” and “trashy”.

It was a great time indeed and while it was definitely a risque, raunch-fest, it was also refreshing to hear a female comedian that was not only funny but just as side-splittingly hilarious as any male master of comedy that i’ve seen.

Dane Cook ain’t got nothing on that bitch.