Archive for June, 2011

Oh the places you will go

Posted in Stuff on June 24, 2011 by bigdaddygouda

This year, as part of my job, I covered two graduations. Last year I covered three and the year before that I think I set some sort of record by writing about six commencements over the span of two weeks. I really don’t mind covering graduations ceremonies for the newspaper. They are easy. Sit in he audience, listen to the speeches, talk to a few grads, get a few quotes and they are done.

I do take umbrage with the speeches made my the adults at the ceremonies. The quotes and words of advice from the “grown-ups” are phony. Speeches from students are mostly filled with humor and optimism and they should be since the weight of the world has yet to crush their noble spirit. The adults, however, those of us who’ve been there should stop quoting Dr. Seuss and tell it like it really is.

Here’s what I’d say if  I was chosen to give the commencement address:

Good evening graduates. Let me start by saying, if I hear one more student come up here and say how happy they are that it’s over and how they are so glad to be done, I may have to slap them and slap them hard. I’ll leave a red imprint on your face and Ill make you cry.

More than one person has spoken tonight about how exciting it will be in the ‘real world.’ Let me tell you something. I’m going to say it clear and I’m going to say it slow: That, my friends, is a crock of shit.

Agreed, life as you know it is over.  No more teachers no more books no more homework and dirty looks, indeed. But here is what you have to look forward to.

College, yes. But that will end to. Turning 21 and being able to get into bars is fun but it gets old quick. Eventually, the novelty of growing up will wear off. It will be replaced with routine. A job that you must go to everyday. And if you mouth off or skip out you wont get sent to the principal’s office. You’ll get fired.

When you were younger you wanted to be a doctor, or a movie star or a rockstar. Instead, you work at a job you hate. A job that when you were younger you used to laugh at people who had it and say you would never end up here. But it could even be worse than that. Maybe you are relying on Obama for a weekly unemployment check and dreading bumping into someone you know who will almost certainly ask you, “What are you doing for work?”

Bills will start to pile up. A letter will come and say they are turning off your heat. Your stomach will get bigger while your bank account will shrink.

Your parents, who once seemed so powerful and “with it” will get old.  They once had all the answers but now their hair is turning gray and when you turn to them for help, try as they might, the best advice they can give you is: “You’re on your own now, kiddo.”

Still glad it’s all over?

Since I know you little shits love quotes, allow me to quote a line from Diane Cord’s Valedictorian speech in ‘Say Anything’.

“I’ve seen our future and all I can say is, Go Back!”

Happy Graduation Fuckers!