Archive for June, 2009

Who Will Dance On The Floor In The Round

Posted in Stuff on June 26, 2009 by bigdaddygouda

“I’m not like other guys.”

– Michael  Jackson, from the Thriller video.

MjI love the music of Michael Jackson and for that reason I was saddened to learn of his death today.

I’m pretty sure the above statement rings true for almost everyone in my generation.

Make no mistake, that guy could, hands down, crank out the tunes! From the early Jackson 5 stuff like I Want You Back and ABC to the legendary Thriller music like Billie Jean and Beat it, to the kind of crazy but still catchy stuff like Bad, Man in the Mirror and Smooth Criminal.

I’m calling the untimely death of MJ as the 4th musical tragedy, following Elvis’s heart attack in 1977, Jon Lennon’s assassination in 1980, and Kurt Cobain’s suicide in 1994.

We will always remember where we were when we heard the news.

I didn’t know the guy, I just liked his tunes. None of the other stuff mattered.

That being said, I’m sure in a few days the jokes will start flying. Hell, I’ve already got a couple rolling around in my head.

But I’ll hold off for today.

RIP

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The Shock of the Lightning

Posted in Stories on June 24, 2009 by bigdaddygouda

I considered myself lucky at first, having found a parking space at Price Chopper so close to the front doors.

As I opened my Jeep door I noticed I had parked in a giant puddle. Actually it was more like a small pond. No wonder the space was vacant but I had a Jeep so the wet didn’t factor in to where I parked.

Glancing across the pond I estimated it was about three feet to dry land. I could make it.

With one foot on the door step, and the other in about six inches of water I  carefully slammed the door shut. I then pushed off from the door step and at the same time pushed off from the wet ground, attempting to clear the puddle.

I heard the noise first. It sounded like snapping a leather belt after its been folded. Then I saw darkness, followed my immediate white light. Then I felt pain.

The pain was unlike anything I had experienced in my lifetime. It began at my left ankle and shot up my leg, settling about mid thigh.

Without a thought about the wet ground I collapsed to my butt, my two hands behind me under water.

As soon as I sat down the pain seemed to amplify. My head began to throb and I instantly felt nauseous. I turned to my side and vomited in the parking lot.

I then felt a hand on my back. I turned my head and saw an elderly gentleman standing above me.

“Take it easy,” he said. “I saw the whole thing.”

“I think it’s broken,” I said, referring to my ankle, which I had obviously messed up. Messed up bad.

“I’d say so,” the man said. “That didn’t sound pretty.”

He had obviously heard that belt leather snap. Was it a bone?

I glanced around the parking lot. A few other people were pretending not to watch, but it was obvious they were. I was just thankful no one was coming up to me. Not that I was embarrassed. I was in to much pain to be embarrassed.

I limped back to my Jeep, through the puddle, while the kind old man kept his hand on my elbow. Not that it would have helped if I fell over but it’s the thought that counts.

Like an idiot, before I got back in my Jeep I decided to see how bad my ankle was. I tried to put a little pressure on it. The pain was instant. White light. Sharp pain.

I knew, because I drove a standard vehicle, there was no way I could make it home. I called my father and explained what happened.

As I waited in the parking lot I made small talk with the old man who never left my side. We joked that I should sue Price Chopper for not properly maintaining their parking lots but I’m the one who tried to pull a Jesus and walk on water.

I watched my dad pull up shaking his head. The old man wished me luck and I carefully got into dad’s car.

Going home and icing the ankle was not an option for me. This pain was unfamiliar and awful. An icepack was not gonna cut it. We drove to the ER.

An hour later I sat in a hospital room, full of painkillers as a doctor, while holding an X-ray of my ankle, explained to me that I’d fractured (broken) my ankle around an area he called “the medial malleolus”.

The doc fixed me with a splint and, when the swelling goes down in a few days, I will be fitted with a fiberglass cast, which I must wear for 4-6 weeks.

All of this pain and misery for a close parking space at the grocery store.

…………………………………………….

editors note: The above story is “based” on actual events, though some “minor details” have been changed for the sake of drama.

For example: I may not  have broken my ankle, or even sprained it for that matter,  but I did go to Price Chopper today…or did I?

Top 10 Things I Learned Over Road Race Weekend 2009

Posted in Stuff on June 15, 2009 by bigdaddygouda

10. When I finish off my Saturday night with jagger shots, and spend early Sunday morning hugging the toilet, there is no way I’m making it to the race on time….unless of course Tai shows up at my house, wakes me out of a sound sleep and drags me to Litchfield.

9.  People within the group without children are firmly in the minority.

8. If Julia’s 8 year old son Reid chooses to, he will someday play baseball in the Major Leagues while her five year old, Nolan knows more stats about the Yankees than a lot of other New York fans. Tai, Ads, and Beka Nappiello come to mind.

6. Speaking of Jules, I can always count on her for a great story or two.

5. If Goat comes to a party with his kids he will not talk to you and will probably leave without saying goodbye.

4. I’m pretty sure, deep down, KC is the same girl I knew in high school.

3. Road Race weekend is just not the same without Chop being paraded down Main Street in handcuffs, flanked by Lynn Lewis and Dodgie Doyle.

2.  As I’d predicted, my sister was disqualified from her first ever Litchfield Hills Road Race for wearing a t-shirt that read, “Fuck this town, Fuck this race, and Fuck all you rich snobs.”

1. Becca Clock still wants me.

More of My Favorite ‘5’

Posted in Stuff on June 11, 2009 by bigdaddygouda

FAST FOOD SANDWICHES

1. Chicken Sandwich from BK.

2. Whopper from BK

3. Big Mac from Mickey Ds

4. Burger Bites from BK

5. Southern Chicken Sandwich from Mickey D’s

NBA PLAYERS (current)

1. Steve Nash

2. Ray Allen

3. Ben Gordon

4. Kobe Bryant

5. Kevin Garnett

SMURFS

1. Hefty

2. Handy

3. Papa

4. Jokey

5. Scaredy

WRESTLING MOVES

1. Crossed Face Chicken Wing

2. DDT

3. Frog Splash

4. Piledriver

5. Hulk’s Atomic Leg Drop

RANDOM PEOPLE FROM SCHOOL THAT I WONDER ABOUT

1. Robert “Worthless” Worthen

2. Joel Henchar

3. Rachel Woods

4. Althea Dubourg

5. Kristen Bradley

OLD SCHOOL NINTENDO

1. Punchout

2. Kung-Fu

3. Super Mario Bros. 1 & 2

4. Metroid

5. RC Pro-Am

SEXUAL POSITIONS

1. Me on top, girls legs on my shoulders.

2. Her on top

3. Doggystyle

4. Standing up, girl bent over in front of me.

5. Missionary

TOM HANKS MOVIES

1. Forrest Gump

2. Big

3. Saving Private Ryan

4. Apollo 13

5. Splash

VAMPIRES

1. Spike

2. Angel

3. Carlisle Cullen

4. Bill (from Tru Blood)

5. Louie (Interview with the Vampire)

WEREWOLF MOVIES

1. An American Werewolf in London

2. Silver Bullet

3. The Howling

4. Dog Soldiers

5. Ginger Snaps

 

Everyone is a little wierd. It’s the “normal” ones you have to watch out for

Posted in Stuff on June 10, 2009 by bigdaddygouda

I know I’m weird and those who know me best know it to. How do I know I’m weird? Well, when you’re weird, you just know. Here are some things I’m pretty sure make me a bit off.

1. I prefer to go to the movies alone. This started in my early 20s. I’ve always loved the movies, but I started going alone when I found myself bored with nothing to do. I admit, the first few times I went alone took some courage. I felt like some sort of pervert. Now, as far as I’m concerned, it’s the only way to go. Though I did have a good time seeing The Hangover with Ashlie.

2. I talk out loud when no one is around. No, I don’t carry on full conversations with myself, but I often find myself walking through the house and I’ll say something that makes absolutely no sense.

3. I can’t sleep in silence. The TV has to be on or, no matter how tired I am, I still can’t fall asleep.

4. I have seen EVERY episode of Little House on the Prairie at least 4 times. Just to put it into perspective, there are about 144 episodes of that show that ran for nine seasons.

5. If I’m out in public and see someone I know, 9 times out of 10 I wont feel like talking to them, so I’ll go out of my way to avoid them, even if it means leaving the store and coming back later.

6. I love the world of Twilight. I’ve read all the books. I read Midnight Sun twice. I saw the first film at a midnight showing and already have plans to go again when New Moon comes out in November.

7. I took up smoking because I was bored. I forced myself through a week’s worth of smoking until I was addicted.

8.  Sometimes if I have to pee really bad, and then I start to go I begin counting. Whatever number I end up on when I’m done, I  multiply by a million and that’s how much money I will someday have in my bank account.

9. At least once every few months I dream that I’m back in high school. I’m a teenager but I have my 30 year old brain and I’m in danger of not graduating because I haven’t completed all my course work. These dreams really stress me out.

10. When I see a Red Door I want to paint it Black.

11. I’m obsessed with cleaning my ears with a Q-Tip.

12. I’m single and have been for some time. That being said, I am fully aware that sharing these things about me in a public forum is not going to do anything to help change that, but I post ’em anyway.

13. I love the show Full House.

 

 

Killer Hangover

Posted in Movies on June 8, 2009 by bigdaddygouda

hangoverSimply put, The Hangover is a crude, crass comedy that manages to be smart at the same time – oh, and funny as hell.

When you start laughing about 30 seconds into a movie, that’s usually a good sign.

I saw the film inside a packed theater and it seemed more like I was at a stand-up comedy show than a movie. I don’t remember the last time a crowd was so into a film. People were laughing so hard they were snorting. I think the old guy sitting next to Ashlie peed his pants.

The plot of The Hangover is very simple: Three buddies (and one tag-along) head to Las Vegas to celebrate the impending marriage of one of their own with a bachelor party weekend. They get so incredibly blasted (thank you jaggermeister) on the night of their arrival that they don’t remember a single thing that happened – of course maximum mayhem ensued during the evening, and they must slowly piece together the night because the groom-to-be has gone missing.

If you’ve ever been to Vegas for a bachelor/bachelorette party I’m thinking you can relate to a bit of the madness. It’s amazing how in Sin City things can truly get away from you…and fast.

The Hangover showcases a great cast of characters – Bradley Cooper as Phil, the handsome, smooth talker of the group, Ed Helms as Stu Price – the dentist who keeps reminding people he’s a doctor, and Zach Galifianakis who steals the movie as Alan, the future brother in law of Doug (Justin Bartha). In addition we have Stu’s insane yuppie girlfriend who ya just wanna punch in the face, Heather Graham plays a gorgeous  hooker with a heart of gold,  Jeffrey Tambor (Pop-Pop in the attic from Arrested Development) adds a few laughs as the future father-in-law and Ken Jeong is hilarious as “Mr. Chow.”

Yes,  Jeong was priceless as the Asian gangster, absolutely hysterical – but the stand out performance had to be Zach Galifianakis as the “not quite all there” member of the troupe. He plays the role as almost mildly retarded, and the lines he delivers and the way he says them are probably on their own enough to make you want to see the movie again.  (“Who Let The Dogs Out, doot doot doot”)

There are great bits throughout the entire film, and while some may feel it bogs down for a bit about 3/4 of the way through,  it regains its footing soon enough to wrap up with a really great ending. 

I loved how they handled the backtracking to figure out just what happened the night before – they didn’t resort to flashbacks or fancy back and forward time-jumps… we just hung with the guys real-time and discovered the pieces to the puzzle along with them. So not only do we have great comedy, as a bonus we get a mystery to unravel as well.

I think it goes without saying but for the love of God leave the kids at HOME for this one. If you can’t afford a babysitter this week, save a couple of bucks a day and wait until next week to see it.

This movie, more than any other comedy I’ve seen since Clerks 2, truly earns its ‘R’ Rating.

Trust me, if you are easily offended by rude crude comedy, by all means stay home, (Allison, I’m looking your way) but if you can handle it, The Hangover is not to be missed. 

Some of the most extreme scenes in the movie actually don’t appear until the credits are rolling. I won’t give away anything other than to say if you’re offended by sexually explicit material, you’d better leave just as the credits begin to roll.

Another great point, for once the funniest parts of a great comedy were not ruined by being shown in the trailor. The best parts are inside. Believe me, you don’t know what you’re in for.

I wanna go to Vegas!!!!!!!!!

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btw, Will Ferell’s Land of the Lost also opened this weekend. Some of you may recall a few weeks back when I did my Summer Movie Preview I predicted Ferell’s film would be the biggest turd of the summer.

Was I right? Find out by CLICKING HERE

ANDY (revised)

Posted in Stuff on June 2, 2009 by bigdaddygouda

UPDATE: Andy recieved a last minute PARDON from the Governor and will be remaining with the Anderson family as their pet.

As I’d expected he didn’t quite take to his new home as his new doggie roommate didn’t quite take to him. Oil and Water I suppose.

Andy returned to his rightful owners this afternoon and was there at 3:55 to greet a shocked  Aidan, his best friend, as he got off the bus.

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AndyI said goodbye to a dear friend today.

Andy the puggle, who I have known and seen at least once a week since he first moved in with the Anderson’s three years ago, has moved on to greener pastures.

No, he has not crossed over. He has gone to live with a new family better suited to deal with this special dog.

As far as I’m concerned Andy is perfect. He’s loyal, he loves unconditionally and, for the most part, he’s smart.

Unfortunately, Keely and Charlie came to a realization that the dog requires more love and attention than they are able to give while raising an 8 year old, a two year old, and working.

They went back and forth about whether or not to give him up, until an offer came that they couldn’t refuse.

Andy will be moving in with a loving couple. Dog lovers in every sense of the word. He will have plenty of room to run around and even have another doggie friend to play with. The couple fell in love with Andy the first time they met him and I’m sure, as I’ve seen many many times, Andy will grow to love them after a few doggie treats.

The first time I ever saw Andy he was no bigger than the smallest kitten. After playing with him for a few minutes he fell asleep in my lap.

As he grew up I spent a lot of time with him. Occasionally I would stop by the house while Keely and Charlie were working and I’d take him for a walk. When the Anderson’s went on vacation last November I moved in with Andy and watched him for a week. I spoiled him rotten with extra treats and three walks a day and had a great time.

I know he’s just a dog but Andy made me feel important whenever I’d go to his home to visit with Keely and Aidan. He would bark and whimper and wag his tail until I agreed to pet him for at least two minutes. As far as Andy was concerned I was family, I just didn’t live in the same house.

So today, as I was driving home from work I called Keely and asked if I could stop by. I knew Andy would be traveling to his new home later in the day, and I also knew I would never forgive myself if I didn’t say goodbye.

As I had done all his life I gave him doggie treats when Keely wasn’t looking and I took him for a walk. We also went for a ride and I never saw the puggle so happy as to when he stuck his little head out the window taking in the air as we were driving.

My visit ended with a three way game of fetch between Myself, Aidan and Andy.

I looked at my watch and knew his new owners would be arriving soon.

“Uncle Walt’s gotta get going,” I announced.

I was being selfish. Keely had been a wreck all day with the thought of having to give up her dog. Aidan hadn’t stopped petting him since he came home from school. I couldn’t be there for the official goodbye.

I rubbed Andy’s head. My eyes welled up with tears and I bolted to my jeep. I didn’t want to lose it…not in front of the kids….not over a dog.

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